The Shadow Within: A Reflection on Rage, Ego, and the Demonic
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the demonic. Not the caricature you see in movies, but the kind that dwells in the quiet corners of the human psyche - the forces of ego, chaos, and cold-blooded intent.
The Weight of Social Betrayal
I recently found myself backed into a corner. I couldn't meet a financial obligation on time, and instead of grace or communication, I was met with a public execution of my character. They dragged my name through the mud, using my temporary struggle as a status game to elevate themselves.
The hurt went deeper than anger; it was a profound sense of betrayal. It stung more than the debt itself, especially coming from people I had helped in the past - people I thought had my back. Watching them switch sides so easily felt like a visceral wound.
The Calculated Revenge
In that heat, something woke up inside me that I haven't felt in years - maybe ever. I’ve always considered myself a smart, creative person. I don’t act out of messy, irrational outbursts. If I decide to destroy something, I want to do it with surgical precision.
I sat in the dark for days. Planning. Scheming. Plotting. It was around the time the Diddy's documentary came out. While the rest of the world was watching with disgust, gasping at the screen, I was in a different headspace entirely. My perspective was warped by the demonic chakras I felt within. I wasn't repulsed; I was taking notes. It felt like a tutorial. I was analyzing the playbook, dissecting the mistakes, and scheming how to use those same strategies to fuck people up - while making sure I didn't leave the same trail.
I wasn't just angry; I was blood-cold. It felt as though something else had taken hold of my mind. I navigated through a gallery of demonic thoughts: from devious schemes and legal traps to thoughts of physical retaliation. I wanted them to feel it. I wanted them to fear me. I wanted to see them begging for my mercy while I watched from the background, untouched and unconnected. In those moments, I realized that the only thing separating me from someone spending life in jail was that I hadn't acted - yet.
The Pivot to Success
What stopped me wasn't just fear; it was a realization of my own luck and a shift in perspective. I came across a video by Alex Hormozi that reframed the concept of revenge:
The best way to get back at those who hurt you is to become so undeniably successful that your mere existence makes them feel small - so successful that the world constantly compares them to you.
Now, I know what some might say. They’ll say that’s just another form of ego - that you shouldn't have to prove anything to anyone. And they are somewhat right. It is ego. But in that moment of darkness, I had to choose which version of the ego I would serve: the one that destroys my enemies at the cost of my soul, or the one that builds an empire that renders them irrelevant. I chose the latter.
I realized that if I used my creative energy for destruction, I would be the one to lose everything. My luck doesn't allow me to get away with darkness, regardless of how smart I am. If I am going to use my power, it has to be to build a life so massive that their attempts to drag me down become irrelevant noise.
The Many Faces of Ego
I also recognize this darker side in more subtle, practical forms of ego that haunt my daily life. It isn’t always about revenge; sometimes it’s about silence. It shows up as a wall I build between myself and people I actually care about.
Ego is the voice that tells me not to reach out to a friend because they didn't "defend me enough" in a certain situation. It’s the stubbornness that makes me hold a grudge over a specific tone of voice or a perceived slight. It’s a different kind of demonic spirit - one that isolates you and keeps you lonely just to prove a point. Whether it’s the "Grand Revenge Ego" or the "Silent Isolation Ego," the result is the same: it cuts you off from your humanity.
Conclusion
Perhaps we all carry these forces. Perhaps the "demonic" is simply what happens when our ego and our pain take the driver's seat.
Psychologists call this the "Shadow" - the parts of our psyche we pretend aren't there. We like to think that "evil" people - the child molesters, the kidnappers, the ones committing heinous crimes - are a different species. But they aren’t. They are humans with families, dreams, and gifts, just like us. The only thing that distinguishes the "good" man from the "monster" is the discipline to not act on the shadow thoughts.
We all have these demonic forces within us. It is okay to be pissed. It is okay to have a bruised ego. It is human to feel the blood run hot with resentment. But the goal isn’t to delete these feelings; it’s to manage them. Don't let the shadow take the driver's seat. Don't let it consume you until there's nothing left but ash. Recognize the darkness, name it, and then channel that terrifyingly powerful energy into your goals. I have the power to be the "god" of my own success or the "demon" of my own ruin. I am choosing to build.